Herby

Herby
By Michele Mixell

Up at the North Pole
Five years had gone by
Since one misfit elf
Went violently awry.

That maniacal Herby
Had been rotting in jail
Ever since he sent Frosty
Home in a pail.

He confessed to the murder
And was locked in a cage.
Every day behind bars
Filled Herby with rage.

He said, “It’s all Rudolph’s fault,
That jerk brought this about!
I’d have never confessed,
But he ratted me out!

“He even blew my escape,
He ruined it all!
I’ll chop off his antlers
To mount on my wall!”

“Don’t worry,” his lawyer said.
“We’ll file appeals.”
But Herby still ate
Bread and water for meals.

Every year he wrote Santa
And asked for parole,
But come Christmas day
He got a big box of coal.

“I’ve had it!” he cried.
“I’ll just break out of here!”
So he plotted and planned
For an entire year.

The next Christmas Eve
He put his plan into action.
He set the box of coal on fire
To provide a distraction.

When his cell was unlocked
Herby knocked out the guard,
Then climbed over the fence
That surrounded the yard.

Herby outran the dogs,
Avoided the searchlight.
Then, leaving no trace,
Escaped into the night.

Later on, back at the
Old police station,
The Chief was reviewing
Holiday perpetration.

“There’s trouble in Whoville,”
He said with a frown.
“There’s burglar alarms
Going all over town.”

Just then an officer
Threw open the door.
“Here’s an alert,” he exclaimed,
“That we must not ignore!”

“Holy crap!” cried the Chief
As he looked at the fax.
“I knew that prison’s security
Was seriously lax!”

“Says here an hour after
Herby got loose,
He held up a Mountie,
Then took off on a moose!

“He’s headed up north,
Back to the Pole.
It sounds like he’s snapped
And gone out of control.”

“But why would he return
To the scene of the crime,”
The officer wondered,
“After such a long time?”

“He’s after Rudolph,” said the Chief.
“That’s the connection.
Get that shiny-nosed freak
Into witness protection.”

The cops went to Santa’s
To pick up Rudolph.
Christmas Eve weather was good
And he had the night off.

“The elf’s crazy,” he cried,
As they drove him away.
“He sent threatening letters
Almost every day!”

The Chief said, “We’ll take you
To our secret safe-house.
Nothing gets in there,
Not even a mouse.

“No one’s seen Herby
Since that vicious moose-jacking.
Knowing we have you
Might just send him packing.”

“He won’t run away,”
Rudolph said with a shiver.
“He wants to serve fava
Beans with my liver!”

The Chief and his posse
Left two guards at the door
While inside the safe-house
Rudolph curled up on the floor.

He had begun to relax
When the lights all went out.
“Is anyone there?”
He started to shout.

Rudolph was scared
And he lit up his nose.
Then a short freaky shape
Stepped from the shadows.

There was Herby,
In white coat and mask
And sharp metal tools
To aid with his task.

“No one can help,” he laughed,
“I took care of your pals!
I gave both those cops
Forced root canals!”

“Stay away!” Rudolph shrieked.
“You’re completely insane!”
Herby said, “I’ll pull your teeth,
All without Novocain!

“It’ll take a long time,
Cause I never got trained.
And it’s all your fault
So you’ll be the one pained!”

“All of my plans
You just had to subvert!
Now open wide,
This will really hurt!”

Herby pulled out a drill,
Rudolph started to scream.
Suddenly in burst
The Chief and his team.

The Chief said, “Drop the drill
And step away from the deer!
There’s no way you’ll be able
To escape out of here.”

“NO!” Herby cried.
“You can’t stop me now!
I won’t rest till the reindeer’s
Turned into dog chow!”

“The Chief kicked Herby down.
“Leave Rudolph alone.
This whole mess is nobody’s
Fault but your own.”

Herby just lay on the floor
And started to cackle,
So they put him in a
Straight-jacket and shackles.

The Chief knew Herby’s vengeance
Just would not wait,
And they’d catch him by using
Poor Rudolph as bait.

Rudolph had a breakdown
After all that transpired.
He now lives in Fresno,
Doped-up and retired.

The Chief got a medal
For the success of the trap,
But Rudolph’s family sued him
For making him snap.

Herby didn’t go back to jail,
He was out of his head.
He’s now in an asylum
Upstate instead.

His cell is downstairs
At the end of the hall,
Three sides of stone
And one big glass wall.

He sits there today
And laughs to himself.
A crazy, misfit,
Whack-job of an elf.




-The End